Our Approach

There is one problem in love and sex—
how lovers manage the distance between themselves.
Both partners want to be together and to be respected for their separate purposes. In a relationship, however, each partner primarily exhibits one attachment style.
Pursuers
  • Initiate
  • Direct
  • Are relationally-oriented
  • Want it done right
  • Want stability
  • Crave closeness
  • Talk feelings
  • Want intensity inside the relationship
Distancers
  • Respond
  • Help
  • Are production-oriented
  • Get it done
  • Want excitement
  • Need space
  • Talk facts
  • Get intensity outside the relationship

Stress polarizes couples.

Pursuers
  • Feel deprived
  • Feel anxious – act anxious
  • Exaggerate conflict
  • Deluge the other with words
  • Criticize
  • Get aggressive
Distancers
  • Feel controlled
  • Feel anxious – act calm
  • Minimize conflict
  • Stonewall the other in silent anger
  • Withdraw
  • Forget

The answer is flexibility. Here are each partner’s challenges.

Pursuers must
  • Contain anxiety
  • Reduce anger
  • Request directly
  • Limit requests
  • Be satisfied with imperfection
  • Be seductive
Distancers must
  • Initiate with partner
  • Feed partner
  • Discover personal needs
  • Under-promise; over deliver
  • Care about details
  • Be affectionate

The drive to be uniquely special and desired by one other special person in the world is the basis of attachment theory* – the theory we use at Awakenings to help couples and individuals break through to deeper connection.

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