Understanding Relationship Problems: How Couples Get Stuck and How We Help You Reconnect
“There is one problem in love and sex—how lovers manage closeness and distance.”
— Dr. Laurie Watson, Director
All couples want closeness, safety, and understanding, yet most partners experience connection and independence in different amounts. These differences often lead to disconnection, frustration, and recurring conflict. At Awakenings, we help couples understand their patterns, repair emotional closeness, and rebuild intimacy—both emotional and sexual—through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment-based counseling.
One of the most common patterns we see is the pursue–withdraw cycle. Understanding this dynamic often brings immediate relief and clarity.
The Pursuer–Withdrawer Cycle
Most couples have one partner who moves toward the relationship to talk and connect, and another who steps back to keep things calm. Both partners are trying to protect the relationship, but their moves trigger the exact opposite response.
Pursuers: “Are you there for me?”
Pursuers crave connection and emotional engagement. They watch the relationship closely for signs of distance. They often check in to make sure things are okay and feel anxious when their partner seems quiet, unavailable, or distracted. When they feel unheard, they may become more intense, expressive, or critical—not because they want conflict, but because they fear disconnection and abandonment.
Withdrawers: “Can we slow down?”
Withdrawers step back to keep the peace. They care deeply, but opening up can feel overwhelming or ineffective. They often focus on work or tasks and believe things are fine unless there is visible conflict. When they feel criticized, pressured, or inadequate, they tend to shut down or withdraw, hoping this will calm the situation. Inside, they fear failure or losing their sense of autonomy.
How the Negative Cycle Takes Over
As tension rises, each partner’s protective strategy intensifies:
• The pursuer becomes louder or more urgent to get a response.
• The withdrawer shuts down further to avoid feeling attacked or overwhelmed.
Criticism fuels retreat. Retreat fuels criticism. The cycle becomes the real problem—not either partner.
This dynamic often shows up in the sexual relationship as well, where partners may switch roles or react in ways that deepen misunderstanding.
How We Help Couples Break This Pattern
Our therapists at Awakenings use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a well-researched model for couples counseling. EFT helps partners identify their cycle, understand the attachment needs underneath, and learn new, safer ways of reaching for each other.
We help pursuers:
• Reduce anxiety and urgency
• Make clear, direct requests
• Slow down emotional intensity
• Express softer emotions
• Feel more secure in the relationship
We help withdrawers:
• Stay emotionally present longer
• Share feelings before shutting down
• Initiate closeness and connection
• Communicate needs openly
• Build confidence in emotional and sexual intimacy
Together, couples learn to change their cycle, create emotional safety, and develop a secure bond.
What Secure Attachment Looks Like
Secure couples can depend on each other without fear of engulfment or abandonment. They navigate conflict more easily, reconnect quickly after disagreements, and experience a more playful, connected sexual relationship. Each partner feels free to pursue personal interests while maintaining closeness.
How Stress Polarizes Couples
Stress pushes partners deeper into their roles:
Pursuers under stress:
• Feel deprived or unseen
• Become anxious and expressive
• Flood conversations with words
• Escalate conflict
• Criticize or push harder
Withdrawers under stress:
• Feel controlled or inadequate
• Appear calm while feeling anxious inside
• Minimize or avoid conflict
• Shut down or stonewall
• Withdraw emotionally or physically
This polarization is common—and completely workable.
Growth Pathways for Each Partner
Pursuers often work on:
• Containing anxiety
• Limiting criticism
• Making direct requests
• Accepting imperfection
• Allowing space
• Using warmth to invite connection
Withdrawers often work on:
• Initiating emotional and physical closeness
• Sharing needs clearly
• Following through consistently
• Attuning to their partner’s cues
• Remaining engaged during difficult conversations
• Offering spontaneous affection
With support, both partners learn to soften, reconnect, and build security.
Begin Your Work Toward Connection
We encourage couples to watch our short video, Taming the Cycle! for a clear visual explanation of this pattern.
If you’re ready to repair communication, deepen emotional and sexual intimacy, or rebuild trust, we invite you to meet our team of Raleigh couples therapists or explore our private weekend couples therapy intensives.
[You can choose one of our relationship counselors here!If
