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Lo and behold, the children are launching themselves into the world, there’s free time in the house, and … sex is falling down. Erectile dysfunction suddenly starts happening more frequently
Husbands frequently have the audacity to start losing their erections just about now. Or maybe they start demanding a bit of extra help to get hard in the first place. The nerve of them. Some guys feel so insecure about their sagging potency, they lose interest in sex altogether to avoid the embarassment.
Right when she’s got a window of regained energy (don’t worry, it will only last about two days before menopause starts) and she might actually be able to attend to the bump in the night, her husband seems to be only offering soft nudges. What’s up (or not) with that?
Males struggle with dysfunction (ED) for several physiological reasons that all seem to begin showing up in mid-life cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, abdominal girth, valve failure, medication side effects, testosterone-blocking treatments for prostate cancer or enlarged prostate and sundry other afflictions. (After that unholy list, need I SHOUT here that, for the most part, if you men want it to stay hard, don’t let your belly go soft. Start those jumpin’ jacks, now!)
Stress doesn’t help either, and what’s more stressful than a penis that won’t jump up like it’s supposed to?
But this post is about thinking errors women make about ED. Such as:
1. “He’s not attracted to me anymore.” Women aren’t as critical of dysfunction as men fear. Instead they are more often critical of themselves, thinking misguidedly that it’s the fault of their own diminished desirability. Wrong. But she used to be able to make his penis levitate from afar with just a swish of her hips. She was an enchantress. Now she believes her own attractiveness is waning and doubts her magic. The couple both fear being left with only ordinary Muggle-sex, if anything. (Hint: Tell her she’s beautiful.)
2. “Maybe he’s got someone else on the side.” Wrong (okay, well usually). True, some mid-life affairs are about proving that a younger woman will revive his potency. But more commonly, his increased distance and lack of sharing is due to his increased anxiety about dysfunction. How does a real man tell his woman that he needs just about as much foreplay as she does? He’s so angry at his body for this betrayal, he often hasn’t gotten to the point of asking, “Touch me, tend me, suck me.” (Tip: telling her she’s your one and only will also help at this point!)
3. “Sex will never be the same.” Wrong. If the same means instant erections, there will indeed have to be adjustments. But if “the same” means passionate, hot, loving, sexy sex, then they are in for a good surprise. Malepause and menopause bring the need and often the time for long leisurely explorations. Both parties might need vibrators! Both might need creative props like sexy undies and flavored lubes. Both might need to get really brave and expose their inner minds and fantasies about each other.
4. “We can’t be spontaneous.” Uh…unless I’ve got it wrong, she can be fulfilled, even if he hasn’t got an erection. If she’s got the hots, stand up and shout hallelujah and head for the bedroom! Once she relieves him of the notion that the only good sex = penis in vagina, they can both relax and bring her to heaven. He might pop a pill and, in the intervening time it takes for her to reach orgasm he might even get hard. Or not. It shouldn’t matter. Soft penises can have orgasms too. In long-term relationships, love and pleasure are good goals for sex. I’d wager that there were plenty times in the past when she hopped in the sack simply to make him happy. Fair turn-around. Sex is not intercourse, intercourse, intercourse. Not every time. Really.