The Real Danger Porn Poses to Relationships

… and why real intimacy beats virtual pleasure, even if it’s more work.

I’m a psychotherapist, not a global exploitation expert, and I don’t have a huge political agenda: I simply work really hard with couples to help them learn to love each other better—especially sexually. I may disappoint many of you here by not condemning porn. So be it. But some people use erotic images and books to effectively bridge into the lovemaking experience with their partner. And not every man who uses porn prefers it to a warm, real woman; in fact, most don’t. One couple I know rents sexy movies on weekends to spice things up and neither complains that they feel less connected.

So the visual eroticism  most definitely has its place. Yet I’m starting to worry about a growing trend—men who use porn in place of their partners.

A generation ago, these men might not have felt comfortable sneaking down to the corner mart to buy the latest skin magazine. They wouldn’t dream of having a Playboy subscription, lest their daughters discover it. They are not sex addicts. They don’t view pubescent girls or sexual violence. They’re normal Joes who would sometimes rather look at a pouting picture to drain off their sexual tension than to negotiate sexual relations with their wives.

Let’s face it: If you’re a male, porn is easy sex. And the variety is stimulating. Men, who can ejaculate in about two minutes with the right imagery, today have endless access to fast sex every day—and any time of day.

But I worry because of this very ease.

Male bodies are often such efficient sexual machines that porn, I believe, can cut a groove in a man’s psyche—a track, a rut. I am concerned that variants on a favorite image—small-breasted Asian women, large-breasted red-haired women, whatever turns someone on—can create a visual route to orgasm that becomes unmatchable by actual sensual experience.

Their wives may not fit their preferred image—young, air-brushed. Their wives are not ever-ready for sex, either—they likely have prerequisites that might include a little talk and connection. Not to mention, their wives might not be content with everything in bed and even dared to have directed their sexual technique. As feminist and societal commentator Naomi Wolf writes in The Porn Myth: Why Porn Turns Men Off to the Real Thing:

“How can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond ‘More, more, you big stud!’)—possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?”

Porn promises rapture. It may look wilder than anything a couple has been able to create in their bedroom. Marriage combines ecstasy and the mundane. Bill-paying, diaper-changing, and chores muddy the waters of desire. Being on the same page at the same time is a difficult negotiation.