How To Have Miserable Sex

Teaching yourself how to have miserable sex is easy. Do nothing, plan nothing, don’t seek to understand your partner’s sexual desires, stick to only what you know, and BINGO!

In other words, if you care only about your own pleasures and desires then the sexual encounters you have with your partner will surely be underwhelming. Need some supporting ideas for this? Here are X guaranteed ways to have miserable sex with your partner:

• Don’t give a second thought to the atmosphere! Don’t light any candles or turn on any music. In fact, don’t decorate the bedroom at all. Go all in on the children’s furniture instead.
• Keep the temperature in the bedroom frigid and complain about their cold feet touching you. Better yet, complain about the oversized flannel and bulky socks look your partner is sporting instead of something sexy or nothing at all.
• Send flowers… on a birthday… only. And ask for sex in exchange for having sent them at all. Romance is over-rated, ask any woman.
• Don’t prioritize your personal hygiene. Forget to bathe; don’t bother to shave again before sex.
• Expect sex anytime! After jogging, right before you go out with your friends, in the morning before you brush your teeth. Nudge the other with erect body parts without being coaxed or attempting to have sex only when the moment is perfect.
• Never wear lingerie unless your figure is perfect. In fact, obsessing about your body is a great way to ruin the moment.
• Refuse to have sex when she’s on her period. Tell her it’s messy.
• Obsess about your body type to the point of disinterest or indifference. Focus on stretchmarks, sagging breasts, cellulite, and spare tires.
• Wait for the kids to wake up vs going to bed to have sex with your partner. That way you are consistently interrupted or distracted while doing the deed.
• Skip any and all foreplay, always!
• Expect a female to orgasm in less than two minutes the way some do on television. If she doesn’t orgasm, tell yourself, ‘some women don’t.’ As long as she doesn’t complain, don’t worry much about it.
• Criticize a male partner for finishing too soon or first every time. Even better poke fun at his inability to stay erect.
• Compare current sexual experiences to encounters with past sexual partners.
• Don’t expand your sexual knowledge, ever! Everything you learned in your twenties is everything you will ever need to know, right? Slip sex manuals, and overlook sex therapy, too.
• Say yes, when you mean no, and then give no effort at all.
• Criticize your partner for wanting sex. Confront them in a passive-aggressive way or heavy-loaded with sarcasm.
• Don’t resolve your conflicts. Stare at your husband in silence and ridicule him for still wanting sex. Clearly, he’s using sex to meet infantile needs.
• Sarcasm works well for both genders to create a chasm between you. When she says she wants to talk more, raise an eyebrow and ask her if she’d like to talk in bed. Take an anti-depressant because life with him is hell; when it spoils what little drive you had, blame him further.
• Accept that all sex with your partner will be boring because you’re married. Don’t suggest anything new, your partner will think you had an affair. If you have low desire, realize that this is the way God made you. If you have the higher desire, nag.
• Blame the antidepressants for the lack of sex drive without further explanation or consideration.
• Never express your sexual preferences or desires. Don’t resolve your conflicts emotionally, just bang it out instead.