by Mattew Wilson, LMFT
When you first discovered it, pornography felt fun, exciting, and a bit dangerous. You knew there was something enticing about it, but you also knew that if you were caught, you might get in trouble. Over the years, your pornography use has spiraled out of control. Now, you find yourself unable to stop, even though you may want to. What used to be enjoyable has become tedious.
What’s more, you fear getting caught by a partner or spouse—or perhaps you already have. You keep asking yourself, “Why can’t I stop?”
1. Pornography Can Be a Healthy or Harmful Influence
For some, pornography becomes a regular part of their sex life—a space to explore desires, express fantasies, and even connect with a partner. But for others, porn becomes a trap, a place where they briefly feel okay, only to experience the crushing shame of not being able to control themselves. It becomes a chain that feeds just enough to stay alive, but not enough to be free.
2. Pornography Mimics Addiction
Neuroscience shows that pornography shares addictive qualities with other pleasurable behaviors, reinforcing compulsive use. But beyond dopamine and brain chemistry, pornography fakes a core human need more easily than any other addiction.
3. Pornography Feeds a Deeper Attachment Need
Attachment science tells us that we all need to feel safe, secure, and delighted in by others. Some of us grew up in relationships where these needs were met. Others learned that people were not safe and developed what attachment therapists call “protective moves”—ways we attempt to meet emotional needs when relationships feel unsafe.
4. Pornography as a Pseudo-Relationship
Unlike other addictions, pornography fakes a relationship more easily. When using drugs or alcohol, we may feel fun or uninhibited, but on the screen, we are fully accepted as we are—no need to change, no risk of rejection. This pseudo-relationship tells us we are accepted and loved without requiring vulnerability or effort.
5. Why It’s Hard to Stop
When we feel lonely, bored, or sad, we turn to pornography because it provides a temporary sense of connection, safety, and security. That same feeling could exist in real relationships, but in the moment, turning to a partner feels impossible, while turning to pornography is easy.
Conclusion: Porn Gives Nothing Back
I tell couples when I first meet them that attachment is the most important thing in life. When we feel securely attached, everything else is okay. When we feel unsafe in attachment, nothing else feels right. Pornography becomes the one place where we feel okay—but the problem is that porn gives nothing back. It provides pleasure and a sense of closeness, but there are no words spoken to us, no true deep understanding. It is a pseudo-relationship, and at our core, we know it.
The fear is, if we gave it up, what would be left? For some of us—and at one time, for all of us—the answer was nothing. That’s why letting go is so hard.
