Physicians have asked me for clear guidance to help their patients have more comfortable virgin sex. Her first experiences colors a woman’s feelings about sex for years ahead. The right information can ease pain or trauma and allow positive, joyful feelings to develop. At Awakenings Counseling, we counsel many premarital virgins who have followed either religious convictions or cultural prohibitions Virgins can have first time sex with much less pain if they will take the following steps:
7 Steps for Virgin Sex
- Take lots of time. If the honeymoon also means first touching, emphasize that intercourse doesn’t have to take place on the wedding night. Give each other time to get to know each other’s body. If alcohol is permitted, a glass or two might lower anxiety. Think of virgin sex as a arousal process ending with sexual intercourse – not starting there.
- Both the man and the woman should know where her clitoris is. This may seem elementary but sometimes neither the husband nor wife can identify her clitoris. Men need to know that the clitoris is the center of sexual pleasure for a woman. Only about 15% of all women reach orgasm through vaginal penetration and this information often comes as a surprise to inexperienced lovers. Showing a woman her genitals with a mirror during an exam can greatly add to her understanding and is essential for her education.
- Learn how to have an orgasm. If permissible, she should teach herself using her hands or a vibrator (Acuvibe from Sharper Image). She could use a lubricant to add to the pleasure of the self-experience. If self-stimulation is forbidden or too uncomfortable and the woman doesn’t already know her body’s responses, that is okay. The husband should use lots of touching and foreplay after warming up for at least 20 minutes of undressing, massage, long stroking other than breasts and genitals and gentle cuddling. Tell her that it will take at least 20 minutes, once she is moderately aroused, of continuous, clitoral touching for her to become aroused enough to have an orgasm. Emphasize that this is normal for women and she is not to compare herself with her husband’s quicker arousal cycle. Necessary? Yes! A woman’s climax is essential for continued libido.
- Prior to the first time, she should stretch her vagina. Every day a woman can prepare her vagina by stretching in the shower, beginning with one finger. Use a water-based thick lubricant like the original K-Y jelly. Introduce more fingers as the stretch becomes comfortable until she can comfortably insert three. She should particularly press toward her perineum versus a lateral stretch. To integrate her genitals into her whole body, she should wash without a washcloth and make sure she looks at her genitals in the mirror.
- Her partner can stretch her vagina as well. He should eventually incorporate gentle vaginal stretching into his touching and love-making, certainly before the first intercourse. She should be able to comfortably tolerate two or three of his fingers before they proceed to intercourse. He should be informed that for comfort and pleasure, her genitals must be lubricated before any touch. I recommend any genital touching be done with an artificial lubricant or coconut oil because a woman’s anxiety can make her dry. Again, it could take a couple of weeks to reach enough familiarity for this to be comfortable. While many couples have quite a bit of touch experience from hours of “making out”, some couples come to the first experience with none.
- Have intercourse just before her orgasm. First intercourse is easiest when the woman is at the crest of her arousal right before orgasm. After orgasm, she enters the resolution phase of love-making and her tissue can be more sensitive to tearing or discomfort. She needs the cushion of swelling from the vasocongestion of arousal before orgasm. They should not proceed to intercourse unless she is very aroused as evidenced by natural vaginal lubrication, elevated pulse, labial swelling and deepening in color, thin sheen of sweat, clitoral erection and her own report. Intercourse should happen at her invitation only. She’s ready only when she thinks she’s ready and not before. Always use an artificial lubricant with first intercourse.
- A man should enter slowly, completely, and then be very still. The woman needs time to relax and let herself feel his penis fully inside her vagina. Most of the time, this will be enough for the first experience. Thrusting can be started later or after several like experiences as she becomes more comfortable. They can rest together in this position while kissing and talking.
With a lifetime of intimacy ahead, it’s important that this first virgin sex experience be as pain-free and enjoyable as possible.