Couples often ask me, as their sex therapist, how they can spice things up in bed. I think this question, most often, is really a request for permission to act on their own ideas by borrowing mine. So, here’s the permission: Sex is about excitement, feeling good, and connecting—and anything that brings two people together for that end is okay (as long as it doesn’t cause either partner to feel physically or emotionally unsafe).
Need a few specific suggestions? Here are a few products you can add to the bedroom to heat things up:
1. Wand–style Vibrator. While it’s estimated that 60% of American women own vibrators, some women feel anxiety over the possibility of the toy being discovered. Luckily, a wand-style vibrator looks about as banal as a kitchen utensil but packs the power of a longer frequency vibration to reach the deeper nerves in the pelvis without irritating tissue. It can be wiped clean and doubles as a back massager.
2. Heated Mattress Pad. While this might not seem the sexiest of additions, it is probably the most useful as the weather grows cooler. Many women do not want to have sex if they feel cold. Warming the bed before she even slips between the sheets relaxes her, making the idea of nudity more appealing.
3. Water Vibrator. Double-person tub soaks can save a relationship by giving the couple time to be together and be naked. What could make this scenario even more conducive to sex? A small, battery-operated, waterproof vibrator to get her excited. (Tip: Don’t use bubble bath as soap may irritate the skin of her vulva.)
4. Scarves. Did the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey mean that most women are secretly into bondage? No, but it did prove that some women are turned on when a partner takes charge and offers careful attention in order to bring her sexual pleasure. To create this kind of excitement, he can tie scarves, or even neckties, to the bed frame and prompt her to hold on to them in psychological, rather than physical, bondage. Occasionally being free to be a recipient of pleasure, without any expectations of giving back, is sexy.
5. Penis Ring With Vibrator. Worn by a man at the base of his penis, these rings have a clitoral stimulator to provide a slight buzzing during intercourse, increasing her odds of climaxing.