Thank you for taking our Love and Sex Quiz!
You scored as an Emotional Withdrawer and a Sexual Withdrawer.
Emotional Withdrawer Characteristics
You have learned from early in life that being independent and relying on yourself it the safest path in life. It’s imperative, you believe, to look out for your own needs. In fact, sometimes you worry that your partner just wants to control you or manage your time and priorities. And their unhappiness can baffle you, making you wonder why they can’t be as positive about life as you feel. You might be direct at work but at home you worry that asking for what you need will be wrongly perceived, so you don’t bring things up that might be conflictual. And talking about things in the relationship often only make it worse so you dread “relationship check-ins”. In fact, you may be worried that therapy is going to be one long deep dive into your partnership where you’ll feel labeled the bad guy. Since, you often get messages from your partner that you’re inadequate and not enough, you shut down conflict as quickly as possible.
Emotional Withdrawer Growth Pathway
And there are times that self-reliance is a real strength. It can take courage and discipline to manage your feelings of anxiety, fear, anger or disappointment. In relationships, however becoming flexible about sharing some of what goes on inside you will help your partner feel close to you. And ironically, being clear in respectful ways about your needs will often feel like you are “opening up” to your partner and be reassuring to them. Learning to know what you even feel is an important step before you can share feelings, so you might check in with yourself: what are you telling yourself about this moment, what do you feel and maybe even where do you feel this emotion in your very body? Initiating conversations with curious questions about your partner’s feelings may seem like a minefield but will actually reduce your partner’s loneliness and increase their satisfaction of the relationship. We can help you learn some simple techniques of reflection and validation that will go miles in reducing the heat of any conflict. With the most scientifically-research theories, we will help you rebalance your relationship – getting you breathing room and space while helping you feel more comfortable with closeness.
If you would like to explore and strengthen your relationship, Contact Us!
Sexual Withdrawer Characteristics
Being a sexual withdrawer doesn’t mean you don’t like sex. Often you very much like sex but need to be ready for it inside your mind, in your relationship with your partner and definitely, in your body. For you, sex may be a part of love but it is not the be all, end all of love. You want the moment to count for your partner and you don’t waste time thinking about whether or not it was better than the last time or how you could make it better – it just was fine as it was. Engaging in sex might be very intense with the exposure of both your body being naked and your soul being open during orgasm. You might decide not to have sex because there is so much risk in disappointing your partner over one thing or another. Or perhaps you really don’t have much sensation at all and the whole thing is a disappointment. Maybe your body doesn’t seem to work the way it once did and you’ve decided, “Meh,” I don’t really need it. Worse, maybe you’ve given up on your own expressions of eroticism because your partner didn’t listen over time.
Sexual Withdrawer Growth Pathway
Being called a sexual withdrawer is not a judgement. You’re not bad for not wanting sex whenever your partner wants it. We’re simply referring to the direction you might move when there is conflict in your sexual relationship. As we said, you may actually like sex, but pull away from what feels like pressure. In fact, when they do agree, many sexual withdrawers start from a willing place, not really a “wanting” place. Then, they find once they are in the midst of making love, they are glad they got started. We call this responsive desire. Willingness can be an intentional starting place as well. You could also think about what you would like sexually if there was no pressure. Imagine times when you had an inkling toward sex – what was happening? Was there loads of talk, gobs of time, plenty of compliments? See if you can find your magic formula that makes sex safe to engage in. Examine your history for early messages from your family, faith, and culture about what you were supposed to be sexually; see how that matches with what you want for yourself now sexually. Learn to express yourself clearly for your sexual preferences.